With this onion ring, I thee fed
You Might Also Like
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.