“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
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Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Tremendous stuff
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.