Incredible customer service.
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I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Not all heroes wear capes…
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm