haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
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I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Cat is stressing him out.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
lol
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
This why you should mind your business
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.