Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
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A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.