[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
You Might Also Like
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
…..pretty much.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
AM I BEING GASLIT????
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.