Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
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I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
uncle dave has been through hell
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.