My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
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Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.