What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
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You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
*pronounces patio like ratio
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese