toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
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Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.