Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
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The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
I’m not lazy
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
won’t smith
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.