[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
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I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance