BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
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My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen