When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
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Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Money is the root of all wealth
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.