roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
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If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.