Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
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Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
Yes, this is exactly right
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.