Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
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I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
happy valentine’s day to me
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Selfie
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”