What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
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“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*