Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
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Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
not for long
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.