BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
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A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
Lmao
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled