Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
You Might Also Like
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.