When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
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Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”