Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
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My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Peace was never an option
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!