Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
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The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
do horses think humans are hats
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat