Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
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I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye