John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
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Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
this country is so goddamn polarized
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup