Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
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Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
“I FIXED IT!”
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it