Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
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JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
sistine chapel
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Best spot.. 😅
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.