“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
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An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Just how popey was the pope today?
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine