Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
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Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building