Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
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I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
an octopus is just a wet spider
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Peace was never an option
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.