If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
You Might Also Like
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”