MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
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Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.