Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
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“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.