turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
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JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH