Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
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Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.