me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
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I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.