me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
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*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
the clam before the storm
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
A new level of troll.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid