fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
You Might Also Like
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?