omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
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[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
work smarter, not harder
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET