People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
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A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Effort made
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”