Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
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Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
What a chick magnet..
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
58.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys