Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
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BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage