The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
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I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Beware of fowl play.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*