“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
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Well, this explains it:
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Are you ok, human???
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy