Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
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Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Thoughts
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.