More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
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I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
Stop sending me this shit.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk