Typos are what differentiates is from robots
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Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Hank is one in a melon.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
This one’s “Alex”.
best review i’ve ever seen
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
You had me at “define legal”.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple