[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
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sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
is this a threat
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Goat cheese is for herders.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.