I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
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Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
can’t bark with your mouth full
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
bury ourselves
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Breaking news:
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house